I called her up and asked her if we could hang out somewhere. It was nearly a month since we switched from talking 5 hours a day to not talking at all. I thought it would be great if I could confront her about everything that was happening in my life. I wished everything became transparent between us just the way it was before, I wished something that every human asks himself /herself at a point of their lives. I wanted my past back.
A YEAR AGO
I sat on the bench after I was done with my Badminton session. I looked around and saw a girl walking towards me. Yes, she was beautiful. So damn beautiful! Like as always, being a super shy person I looked around thinking that I would get ditched like every day and she would pass over.
” Hey there! ”
I refused to look at her and I wished she was talking to someone else.
” Excuse me?” She poked me with her finger.
“Yes? ” I said
” Actually I’m kinda new here and this place is quite big and…. I thought there would be someone who can show me this place…” she said with a pretty little smile on her face.
“Yea. .. Yeah sure”. I said while being a little hesitant.
We walked around the sports complex. The weather made it look even more beautiful than every day.
She constantly tried to make an eye contact with me as I tried to resist every time. Obviously, i was scared. It’s not every day that some super Introvert guy like me gets to have walked with a girl.
“You don’t talk much don’t you? ”
” Ahm…. Why do you think so? ”
“It been almost 15 minutes we are walking and you didn’t even say a word. It’s a very long time for me to stay shut. I talk a lot”. She said with a smile on her face.
“It’s nothing like that. It’s just a bad day” I said.
*This is one the best days and you’re telling her the wrong thing* The ‘mini-me’ inside screamed.
“Okay, so I won’t ask you about what happened but maybe having a conversation with each other make you feel better. ” She said.
“Yeah”. I said in a low voice.
We started to have a conversation about stuff we are up to and so random things. While she did most of the talking, I kept giving one-word answers.
The tour ended in almost 40 minutes. I picked up my bag from the bench that I had left from. Though I was so relieved that the awkwardness was ending, I wanted it to never stop.
“Nice to meet you and thanks for the company,” She said
“It’s okay, doesn’t happen every day”. I said.
I noticed from the beginning that the cute little smile refused to go off her face. She always had that childish attitude and eagerness that made her look even more adorable.
“So, friends? ”
” Friends.! ” I exclaimed.
“We talked so much and spent so much time but we didn’t tell our names!” Her smile widened a bit.
“Oh, my name is Avi”. I extended my hand towards her. I don’t know how I did it. But somehow I did.
“It’s Sarah. Nice to meet you again. See you tomorrow “. She shook my hand. She turned back and walked away.
I went home. Rest of the day I spent thinking about those 40 minutes I spent with her. I was really a big deal for me. I was just a kid, I was being introduced to socialising with the opposite gender. Those 40 minutes kinda helped me get out of my nutshell. I just wanted the night to end and meet her again the next day.
I met her the next day at the very same place and very same time. I tried to keep my nerve. I used to get nervous every time I had to interact with some girl. I thought that at least a bit of boldness and a confidence on my face would do.
And like the initial plot of almost every love story, we became friends since then and the friendship became stronger with each passing day. At that time she was my only female friend that I had. As time went by, I developed more of my personality. I explored more about people around me. With her company, i would do things that I never imagined. I became more frank and confident while talking to someone. In short, she was changing the whole me.
I had started to care a lot about her. We developed an awesome bond with each other. At that age, I merely had any feelings for someone, and it wasn’t really going to happen any soon. On the other hand, she was feeling the opposite, everyone around me started to say that she has something for me. I didn’t believe anyone, all I believed was her. I always saw her as a friend, I never thought of anything else. Although she could become any man’s dream girl. She had everything in her that a man desires for in a woman.
By the course of a few months, even I had started to realise that she does feel something for me. Steadily, everything was changing. She expected the same feelings from me too. I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I kept silent whenever there would be any scenario where we had to talk about any of the ‘relationship ‘ kinda things. But things started to get worse every passing day, she kept dropping hints and expected a response but I disappointed her every time.
I was being true to myself, I really didn’t have any feelings for her but on the other hand, she was the best girl I had ever met and I cared for her more than anything else. If being together made her happy then I was ready for it. But that also meant ditching her with false emotions. I reached out to a lot of my friends (most of them were immature as me) who I thought can give me some advice about this situation that I was in. All of them said that I should go for her and should do it just for her happiness.
So the process had started and now I had to tell her that I loved her too. Now, this was something that I had no experience in and my old fears came back. I would try to talk to her about this but every time I ended up switching to another topic. I had to do it as quickly as possible, I didn’t have much time. I finally resolved to write everything. So I kinda wrote a ‘confession letter’ expressing how much I loved her. I had started to feel guilty at that point itself, I didn’t know if it was right or not. All I wanted to see that smile back on her face.
I burrowed her notebook and slipped it in between the pages, hoping that she would see it soon and this nervousness would come to an end. I wasn’t worried about her response because I knew how it would be.
She turned the pages as I handed over the notebook and finally found that letter. She looked anxiously at me but I looked away as if I didn’t know anything. The moment she opened it she knew it was me because of my messy handwriting. She started reading and my heartbeats increased. By the half of the letter, she had a big smile on her, maybe because of those catchy lines that I had googled. In the end, there was the proposal. She kept the letter aside, looked at me and hugged me tightly.
“I love you too. You finally said it! I had almost lost hope”. She said with tears in her eyes.
“Calm down, it’s all okay now we’re together now. I’ll keep you happy now. That’s all you wanted right? “.
“Thank you so much for being such a wonderful person in my life “. She said.
I smiled and kissed her on the forehead. Was I supposed to say or do something else? I don’t know. I was still going through a lot of emotions.
So, from that day we were officially dating. I still kept thinking if I did the right thing or not. Even after a few months of being in a relationship with her, i didn’t felt anything different except for getting the public ‘in relationship’ status and a few dose of kisses almost every day. But she was so happy that this made everything back to normal. We became the same again. Laughing all day at lame jokes and fighting with each other over pointless things was our favourite thing to do. Though I thought that showing her false emotions towards her was something very wrong, I felt that it was worth her beautiful smile. And the most important thing was that she loved me more than anything else.
I still had no idea that even after having such a perfect girl beside me why I couldn’t get any feelings for her. On the other hand, she was getting overwhelmed with our relationship. She decided to tell her parents about us and surprisingly they approved it. Approving your 15-year-old daughter’s relationship with some guy is a very big deal here. I visited her home and even met her parents. Those two people might be the coolest parents ever. They had everything balanced with the freedom and strictness given to their daughter. Overall those were one of the best days of my life I spent with her.
Meanwhile, I had started going to tuition classes for my academics where I met another girl named Nancy. She was something different, something very different from every girl I had met so far. Though I couldn’t gather enough courage to go and talk to her, I could feel that adrenaline rush in me. Every time I saw her my heart skipped a beat. When I finally managed to start a conversation with her, I got more and more attracted towards her. I had started to get influenced by her a lot. A time came when everything seemed pointless and all I wanted was her. I had started to get desperate I used to get feelings that you get when you feel that SHE IS THE ONE!
I got blinded by the attraction and wanted to take some steps to develop a relationship between us. But it wasn’t possible when I had a girlfriend with me. On the heat of the moment, i decided to do something that I had never imagined I was so lost in the situation that iIdecided to break up with her. I didn’t care what it took, i was ready to break a thousand hearts to be with Nancy. All i saw was her. I started to think of ways of breaking up with her. Even after a lot of thinking i couldn’t resolve to anything. How could i? She was such a nice girl, she barely had any flaws how could i make some excuse to betray such a perfect girl.
I finally decided to cut all the contacts with her.
I had started to ignore Sarah. I stopped spending enough time with her. I used to get away from her. Even she realised this and stayed upset for most of the time. I had to do this. If there was any better option to do that i would have gave it a try. Our homes were almost 12kms apart. We always met at the sports complex though i knew everything of her home and whereabouts she didn’t because she never came to my place. I changed all my numbers and did everything to ensure thay she couldn’t contact me. I was running away from her like a coward. I was running way from her for something that never guaranteed the amount of love i got from her. But i had gone insane at that time. Nancy was what i all needed.
That was the last day since when i had decided to not come back again. I was leaving through the gate when Sarah called me up.
“Hey you leaving so early? “She said with a forced smile.
” Yeah i have some work at home i have to go; you wanna say something? “. I said with a firm voice.
” No it’s okay then see ya”. She looked down with disappointment.
I turned back and rushed towards my bus. I got up on the bus and i saw her watching me go as if she knew everything i was up to.
As decided i didn’t go there anymore. I felt like an idiot for doing this to her but i on the other side i had some hope with Nancy. A few months passed and now the side effects had started to show. Though my connection with Nancy was developing smoothly i felt short of a friend. I had started missing her. All the delusion of super attraction was fading over. I missed her so much. I had never spent so much time without her.
A time came when i had enough of everything and i decided to go and face her. No matter what happens, i know she will be pissed off at me. But she will forgive me, i believe her. I’ll apologise to her until she forgives me. I’ll do whatever it takes to get her back in my life.
I called her up but it hung up and said it’s switched off. I decided to go to her house straight away.
I reached her house. It felt quite strange since last time i visited it. The finely cut grass lawn had turned into a bush of weeds. There was dust all over the stairs. I couldn’t even see the white BMW in their garage. I had no idea what was going on i reached to the doorbell only to find that the house was locked. I looked around if they were somewhere nearby but couldn’t find anyone. Then i decided to knock the neighbors doors.
“Hello sir, can i get to know where these people are now? I wanted to meet them”. I said and pointed towards her house.
“Are you serious kid? “. He said.
” Why what happened? ” I asked him.
” You are so damn late, they moved on to Singapore four months ago”.
I turned back, came out of his house and stood in front of Sarah’s house.
It was 3 PM during the summer time. I looked at her house and a drop of tear rolled down my cheeks. It was the first time in my life i had tears for someone. I collapsed on the middle of the road and cried out loud. I remembered the last few moments that we spent together. Everything took a flashback. Maybe when i was leaving she wanted to tell me about her moving to Singapore but i behaved like an asshole. I cried, and cried and cried…
Only one question screamed inside me…
WHAT HAVE I DONE!